Dating, courting and relationships are all words I have avoided for some time now. After dating and being in a long-term relationship that did not work out, I decided to take a break from love and re-evaluate.
Now don’t get me wrong, I know some of you may have gone through a really bad breakup, were cheated on or horribly mistreated. And after the initial shock of that kind of trauma, most of your friends might recommend that the best way to get over a bad situation is to jump right into another one. But what if there was another option?
TYPICAL DATING STORY
Now my story was not anything that you would include in a tell-all book. No cheating, no mayhem, definitely no restraining orders or any horrible breakup stories so bad that you can’t even be in the same room EVER again.
My story was the typical idea of trying to recreate what society has defined as happily ever after and trying to figure out what that looked like for me. But in doing so I started to let the desires to have intimacy, sex and have all my emotional needs met cloud what I thought was the right way to function in a relationship. I allowed myself to think that because I didn’t have all the crazy drama that some of my other friends dealt with, that my situation could last the distance. I overlooked small issues that eventually turned into big deal-beakers because in my case, we didn’t argue a lot, we always had a great time and I thought if I treated him with respect and like my potential king, he would do the same for me. But sometimes that is still not enough.
PEACE AND HEALING
Forgive Yourself and your Ex
- Well first things first, I want to acknowledge that even though the relationship didn’t work out, it doesn’t mean we have to hate the other person. For most sane people, there was another reason in addition to physical attraction or lust that you made you decide to commit yourself into a relationship with another human being. Sometimes neither one of you had the right individual tools to make things work together, or mistakes were made. At the end of the day there was a reason you were in each other’s lives good or bad. Take the good and bad and learn from it so the next time you open your heart, you can check these lessons off as learned. And forgive your self and them so that you can move forward with peace of mind.
Explore your Whys
You should try and take a moment to evaluate the good and bad. Most importantly, explore why you allowed certain things to happen that you would normally not put up with from most. For example, I know my ex was my weakness and my kryptonite. I am a very strong woman, but certain things he said or did always made me bend my rules or values to try and keep him happy. Now you would want to blame your partner for you breaking your rules, but this was all me. The real questions I had to ask myself were:
- “Why was I so weak around him?”
- “Why did I think he was the one?”
- “Why would I stay with someone who did not share all my values? “
- “Why did I break or bend my rules around him?”
SEX vs. LOVE
So after sitting alone in my apartment, taking time to think and re-analyze, crying to my friends and God, the answers finally became clear. W are clouded by the emotions and desires to have that one special person love us and by attachments sex introduces and creates between each person you are intimate with. I needed to understand and learn what was the difference between what was real love and euphoric love brought on through sex and intimacy.